September 15, 2009 Comedy Central The Colbert Report
The Word - Let Freedom Ka-Ching
Corporations do everything people do except breathe, die and go to jail for dumping 1.3 million pounds of PCBs in the Hudson River.
From The Colbert Report:
If pundits want to save America, they have to do what's wrong to prove they're right.
Looks like Glenn Greenwald caught Stephen's attention as well. From The Colbert Report:
Investigating prisoner abuse will be a political food fight, and that is messier than torture.
From The Colbert Report:
All marriages shouldn't be equal, but there should be so many separate kinds that the gays don't feel singled out.
Stephen has a solution for Republicans the who are wanting to rename the Democratic Party.
If the Republicans really want people to go against the Democrats, they'll need a name that instantly turns people off.
From The Colbert Report April 23, 2009. Stephen has a solution for all of those angry Americans out there who aren't sure to be mad at in these tough economic times.
From The Colbert Report April 1, 2009.
The Fine Line is a new index that is just as meaningless as the Dow Jones, but it always goes up.
Stephen has some advice for everyone about just how we should focus our rage over the economic meltdown and financial bailouts.
Colbert: Now, I know...I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, Stephen... Stephen I want to continue this homicidal fury forever. But Stephen... Stephen your Thunderdome idea will kill all the CEO's and there will be no one left to force into a man sized paper shredder.
But I say we will never run out of scapegoats. Because if we focus on pitchforks and vengeance instead of the fundamental problems that got us here soon we'll have plenty of new criminal banks and irresponsible CEO's to start all over again. And we can cry off with their heads and we'll never have to keep ours. And that's the Word.
Colbert nails it as usual and takes the obstructionist "Taliban" GOP to task for following their great leader Rush Limbaugh.
Nation, the GOP must find a way to thrive. For two years the Democrats have occupied Congress but not everyone is willing to surrender. Like Texas Republican Congressman Pete Sessions, who told the National Journal last week that to fight the Democrats "insurgency may be required". Now, before this man gets taken out of context, he was not saying the GOP should model themselves after Al Qaeda. That would be offensive. No. He was just saying the Republicans model themselves after the Taliban. That is a meaningful substantive difference. Like the difference between work and a job.
[...]
Now this insurgency, this insurgency shouldn't be too hard for the Republicans. They have a quite a bit in common with the Taliban. Neither, neither one of them is all that big on women's rights. They both want God in government. Both were in favor of the U.S. invading Iraq. And of course they both follow shadowy leaders who communicate through poor-quality video.
One of the funnier Word segments I've seen from Stephen in a while now. He rips up the House Republicans for voting against the stimulus bill in a way only he can.
Last night---last night's party line vote was a great start for the 111th Congress. But these hard times demand an even larger meaningless gesture. That is why I am calling on every Republican who voted against this bill to put no money where your mouth is. Refuse to accept a single penny of the eight hundred billion dollars for your Congressional district.
Think of it---think of it---think of it like a hunger strike. Then---then just sit back and watch in glee as the Democrats face the wrath of their constituents suffering as the eight hundred billion dollars tears through their districts like a force five cash-o-cane.
It won't be easy but you are fighting for a principle. If we can't have a perfect bill to stimulate the economy you'd rather have no economy at all. And that's the Word.
Stephen on just what the country has actually sacrificed under the Bush administration.
I think the President is leaving office with a truly historic legacy. Somehow he has managed to make something that was once evil into a virtue. And to those of you who say the President has never asked the public to sacrifice anything in a time of war, well to you I say you are just not paying attention because clearly he's asked us to sacrifice the difference between right and wrong. And that's the Word.
From The Colbert Report, Dec. 3, 2008.
Even worse America's problems have made it impossible for pundits like me to undermine President-elect Barack Obama. Of course I want him to fall flat on his face, but only after he fixed my 401K. It is a tricky dilemma and it brings us to tonight's Word...Barack-Handed Compliment. In times like these you must root for the Commander in Chief. And if you're smart you must also zombie-proof your house. And plenty of people have said nice things about him.
[snip]
So like it or not I am forced to say something nice about Barack Obama. But isn't there, isn't there a way to say something nice to someone and be a douche-bag at the same time?
Stephen Colbert has some words of warning for the hippies out there. From The Colbert Report Nov. 18, 2008.
See, talking about peace and love shows weakness. That's why these days you only find the words peace and love where they belong. On stamps.
[snip]
I mean if you start loving your enemies pretty soon you're going to end up in a drum circle with Mahmoud Ahma-kumbaya-ajad. So be careful America. Peace and love are powerful ideas. If we start talking about them, we might actually get the hope and change that everybody keeps talking about.
From The Colbert Report, Nov. 12, 2008:
I don't believe in adding insult to injury. Once I've injured someone I just like to take a moment to enjoy it. But apparently election officials in Omaha Nebraska are going to add an insult to the Republican injury. They're still counting the votes there and there's a damned good chance when they finish tomorrow they'll be giving one more electoral vote to Barack Obama making him the first Democrat to get a Nebraskan electoral vote since Linden Johnson in 1964. And...and to get that vote Johnson had to promise to nuke Kansas. Now if it happens, one Democratic official said this victory would be "like a cherry on top of an already sweet election." Well the Democrats can have their sweet elections. Republicans perfer things bitter and salty.
Nation, I'm just going to go out on a limb here and say that things are not going well for the Republicans. Two years ago they controlled both the White House and the Congress. Soon they'll be controlling both the Coke machine and the fry station. And then they're asking, how did we fall so fast? Which takes us to tonight's Word...Pity Party.
