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From Real Time Oct. 16, 2009. Bill reminds us that just because George Bush is gone, comedians still have plenty to work with thanks to the crazy that is the Republican Party.

Maher: It turns out there were plenty of ridiculous Republicans behind him that we just couldn't see.

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From Real Time Oct. 9, 2009. It's time to repeal DADT President Obama. As Bill noted in his article at the HuffPo-- Everyone Deserves Equal Rights:

New Rule: Everyone deserves equal rights. That's why they're called "equal" and "rights." Tomorrow night President Obama will speak before a gay rights group, and on Sunday there will be a massive gay rally in Washington, or as I call it, the Million Mo March. Which makes this weekend the perfect time for Obama to announce he's repealing "don't ask, don't tell" and committing to a full-throated endorsement of gay marriage. One, because it's the right thing to do and two, because it will throw the conservative base into such a frenzied, pants-shitting panic that they'll drop all that BS about death panels and socialism and let us all get some actual work done.

But of course that's not going to happen. I can tell you what the president is going to tell his audience tomorrow: How much he supports them. How much he agrees with them. And how he wishes he was President so he could help them out. But here's the thing about being president. There isn't a lot you can do without either Congress, Oprah or Goldman Sachs behind you. But there is one thing the president can do with the stroke of a pen: He can let gays serve openly in the military. It's called an executive order. Harry Truman wrote one in 1948 for blacks in the military, and that was that.

"Don't ask, don't tell" has always been bad policy that was made out of a bullshit political compromise. You know, like you're doing now with health care. It never made sense to begin with: "Here in the Army we're all about honor. And trusting the man next to you. Now lie to my face about your sexuality, Johnson, or I'll report you behind your back." But forget all the good arguments for repeal, like because it was promised to us in the campaign or because it gets lonely on a submarine. Do it because it'll make Rush Limbaugh explode like a bag full of meat dropped from a helicopter. Do it because it'll make Sarah Palin go rogue in her pants.

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Real Time's New Rules for Oct. 2, 2009.

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September 28, 2009 NBC Jay Leno

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Real Time's New Rules for Sept. 18, 2009.

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Real Time's New Rules for Sept. 11, 2009. Bill wants everyone to get off the couch and get out there and protest. I hate to break this to him, but there is a movement out there by the left doing the same thing as the tea baggers. The media has just decided not to cover it and they don't have Fox's Griff Jenkins going along for the ride and Fox Noise promoting it night after night.

I do agree that more people taking to the streets would help. Maybe we can get Bill to agree to cover it so there's not a complete media blackout since he thinks it's so important. Perhaps he can have one of his "Real Time Real Reporters" ride along with the Reform Now bus.

(Warning... video not safe for work.)

Maher: The Democrats just never learn. Americans don’t really care which side of an issue you’re on as long as you don’t act like p#&$ies. When Van Jones called the Republicans assholes, he was actually paying them a compliment. He was. He was talking about how they can get things done even when they’re the minority as opposed to the Democrats who can’t seem to get anything done even when they control both houses of Congress, the Presidency and Bruce Springsteen.

You know I love Obama’s civility, his desire to work with his enemies… he’s positively Christ-like. In college he was probably the guy at the dorm parties who made sure the stoners shared their pot with the jocks.

But we don’t need that guy now. We need an asshole. Mr. President, there are some people who are never going to like you. That’s why they voted for the old guy and Carrie’s mom.

You’re not going to win them over. Stand up for the 70% of Americans who aren’t crazy.

And speaking of that 70%, when are we going to actually show up in all this? You know tomorrow Glenn Beck’s army of zombie retirees are descending on Washington. It’s the million moron march. Although they won’t get a million of them of course because many will be confused and drive to Washington State.

But they will make news because people who take to the streets always do. They’re at town hall meetings screaming at the Congressmen. We’re on the couch screaming at the T.V. You know especially in this age of Twitters and blogs and Snuggies, it’s a statement just to leave the house.

But leave the house we must because this is our last best shot for a long time to get the sort of serious health care reform that would make the United States the envy of several African nations.

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Real Time's New Rules for Aug. 7, 2009.

Maher: Now, before I go about demonstrating how easy it is to prove the dumbness that is dragging us down, let me just say that ignorance has life and death consequences. On the eve of the Iraq war, 70% of Americans thought Saddam Hussein was personally involved in 9-11. Six years later, 34% still do. Or look at the health care debate going on now. At a recent town hall meeting in South Caronlina a man stood up and told the Congressman to "keep your government hands off my Medicare!".

Which is kind of like driving cross country to protest highways. This country is like a college chick after two Long Island iced teas. We can be talked into anything, like wars. And we can be talked out of anything, like health care. We should forget the town halls, and replace them with study halls.

Listen to some of these statistics. A majority of Americans cannot name a single branch of government, or explain what the Bill of Rights is. 24% could not name the country America fought in the Revolutionary War. More than 2/3 of Americans don't know what's in Roe vs Wade. 2/3 don't know what the Food and Drug Administration does.

Some of this stuff you should be able to pick up by simply being alive.

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Real Time's New Rules for July 31, 2009. Among other topics, Bill reiterates what he said in his LA Times op-ed.

Never underestimate the ability of a tiny fringe group of losers to ruin everything.

For the last couple of weeks, we've all been laughing heartily at the wacky antics of the "birthers" -- the far-right goofballs who claim Barack Obama wasn't really born in Hawaii and therefore the job of president goes to the runner-up, former Miss California Carrie Prejean.

Also, when Obama was sworn in as president, he forgot to give his answer in the form of a question.

And yet, every week, the chorus of conservatives demanding to see his birth certificate grows. It's like they're the Cambridge police, Obama's in his house -- the White House -- and they need to see some ID.

And there's nothing anyone can do to convince these folks. You could hand them, in person, the original birth certificate and have a video of Obama emerging from the womb with Don Ho singing in the background ... and they still wouldn't believe it.

Which raises the question: Why, in this country, is it always the religious right that won't take anything on faith?

So far, the reaction from Democrats is to laugh this off, and I understand why. If you seriously believe that President Obama is an African sleeper spy, get out of your chat room and have your house tested for lead.

But we live in America, and in America, if you don't immediately kill arrant nonsense, no matter how ridiculous, it can grow and thrive and eventually take over, like crab grass or reality shows about fat people.

This flap might be a deluded right-wing obsession that is a total waste of time, but so was Whitewater, and look where that ended up. A handful of Republican operatives, enraged at Bill Clinton's unprecedented economic growth and budget surpluses, found a woman named Paula Jones, which led to a woman named Monica Lewinsky, which gave me enough material to eventually be able to buy a big house in Bel-Air. Which I'm still conflicted about.

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Real Time's New Rules for July 24, 2009. Good one this week.

Maher: And finally, New Rule, not everything in America has to make a profit. You know, if conservatives get to call universal health care socialized medicine, I get to call private for profit health care soulless vampire bastards making money off human pain. Now I know what you're thinking. But Bill, the profit motive is what sustains capitalism. Yes. And our sex drive is what sustains the human species, but we don't try to f$#k everything. It's okay for some things to remain nonprofit just when like when it comes to sexual relations, some people are off limits, like your cousin, or your sister, or if you're a leading Republican, your wife.

[....]

Did you know that the United States is ranked fiftieth in the world in life expectancy. And the forty nine loser countries where they live longer than us, oh it's hardly worth it. They may live longer, but they live shackled to the tyranny of nonprofit health care. Here in America, you're not coughing up blood little Bobby. You're coughing up freedom.

The problem with President Obama's health care plan isn't socialism, it's capitalism. When did the profit motive become the only reason to do anything? When did that become the new patriotism? Ask not what you could do for your country. Ask what's in it for Blue Cross-Blue Shield.

Now if we could just get our politicians to speak as honestly on the subject. And on a side note, Rachel Maddow is going to be on next week.

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Real Time's New Rules from June 19, 2009. Bill gets an amen from me this week.

Maher: Now people talk a lot about a third political party in America. We don't need a third party. We need a first party. You go to the polls and your choices are the guy who voted for the first Wall Street bailout, or the guy who voted for the next ten. This week we're hearing that a public option for health care is unlikely because it doesn't have the support of enough Democrats. Even Ted Kennedy's plan, Ted Kennedy, yeah, leaves thirty seven million uninsured.

This is because we don't have a left and a right party in this country any more. We have a center right party, and a crazy party. And over the last thirty odd years, Democrats have moved to the right, and the right has moved into a mental hospital.

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Real Time's New Rules for June 12, 2009. While I agree with Bill's general sentiment here that it would be nice to see the President push for a more progressive agenda and not worry so much about playing nice with the Republicans, I've got quite a few problems with this segment.

One, regardless of what the media and the right wing noise machine say about the President, he is and has always been a pragmatist. If anyone didn't realize that before they voted for him, they were fooling themselves.

And second, Bill needs to do a better job getting his facts straight...again. Bob Cesca has more on that here: Fact Check.

Third, I'm not upset that the President is on television all the time. When he's dealing with the likes of Fox News and the trash that is cable "news" in general, right wing talk radio and the crap that gets spread all over the Internet about him, how else is he supposed to counter that? When the President goes on television and goes out and does these press conferences and town halls, he's taking control of the narrative and grabbing it back from the media.

I think Bill needs to chill out a little bit. I know he wants to prove he's not in the tank for Obama. I think there are better ways to do that than trashing him for not being some kind of miracle worker that could fix George Bush's mess in four months while misstating what he has done since being elected.

And thanks so much Bill for giving the media a reason to repeat the McCain "celebrity" meme B.S. and comparing him to Lindsay Lohan. They're already all over that today. Bravo. He's not Lindsay Lohan. He's the President and he's trying to do his job. Take him on over policy all you want, but that was really a cheap shot.

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Real Time's New Rules for June 5, 2009.

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Real Time's New Rules from May 29, 2009, greed is bad edition, which was probably the best part of the whole show. The panel was awful with John Bolton and Heather Wilson and Maher failing to challenge either of them on much of anything. I was looking forward to the show when I saw Bolton on the guest list thinking Maher might get onto him for his neocon ways. He sorely disappointed.

Even in this portion which I thought was really good, there was a stinker. Apparently Bill's just now found out that there were soldiers electrocuted in Iraq. Hey Bill...that story is well over a year old. Where have you been?

If you caught the show you also learned that twinkies stay soft forever and Bill thinks that almost all food is going to kill us. I honestly don't know how the man manages to find anything to eat that suits his criteria after watching his interview with Michael Pollan.

Next week's lineup is D.L. Hughley, Richard Haas, Paula Froelich, Jeremy Scahill and Matt Miller.

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Real Time's New Rules for May 22, 2009.

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Real Time's New Rules for May 15, 2009. One of the best parts of the show tonight was the Overtime segment which you can watch on Real Time's site. It's usually available about an hour or two after the show airs.