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Michele Bachmann Just Delivered The Next SNL Cold Open

Really, Saturday Night Live can just lift sentences from Bachmann's Values Voter Summit Speech.
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Good Morning?

Anyone who has studied fundamentalist nationalism aka dominionism knows Michele Bachmann is hitting all the high notes in her Values Voter Summit Speech Friday. But beyond the truly dangerous rhetoric, she's also hilarious. Here's a Twitter annotated transcript of just a few minutes of her "Golden Time" speech. Please note if you don't watch the video, John Bolton gets bigger applause than Trump. These people are organized, driven, well-funded, and know exactly what they want: an America that's White, Evangelical Christian, and lords it over the world with military might.

MICHELE BACHMANN: Probably one of the greatest threats that we are dealing with today is the loss of religious liberty and the loss of free speech. Look at the internet, for instance, look at Google, look at Facebook, look at Twitter, look at Instagram. The big story of this election is really two-fold. On one hand, you have massive amounts of false information going through the mainstream media outlets, day after day after day, and we know it's provably false information. On the other hand we know that the social media sites have so restricted freedom of speech and expression that there is even a poll done recently that said traffic to conservative sites is down 93%.

Not by choice, but because the masters of the universe, the tech titans of the Facebook, the Instagrams, the Twitters, the social media, YouTubes, have decided our voice is not a legitimate voice. Now, this is just the beginning stages. If you read last night, there was an article that came out because the former CEO of Google, Eric Schmidt said that within ten years there will be two internets, there will be one controlled by China because you see these tech titans have essentially sold their souls to China. China is the biggest censor that there is and the persecution in China is unlike anything we've seen in modern times. Only now we have an advantage as an electronic dictator or tyrant to literally tie people up by the use of artificial intelligence where they can have facial recognition of people's faces, global positioning, so they know where everyone is, and the restrictions on freedom of speech, et cetera, and now these tech titans, the Googles of the world, are helping countries like China develop social profiles on people, so that electronically each person has their own dossier with them at all times so the electronic dictators can decide who gets access, who doesn't get access, what you get to do and what you're denied. This is a brand new world we've never seen before. It's being aided and abetted by American country companies which I question, are they even American companies anymore? Recently Congress issued a subpoena or not a subpoena, they issued an invitation for these tech titans to come and speak to them. One company chose just to blow it off, Google. And is it because there's trillion-dollar companies now that they see themselves bigger than the government that gave them life here in this nation? I don't know. But I do know as I look at all of that, as I look at all of this nonsense that's on TV and the news, night after night after night, this is what the response I believe is now for our time. As the Benham brothers did, we open up the word of God. We see what the word of God is. I'm speaking to a believing audience now. But I believe the most powerful tool that's in front of us, and I want to urge every single person in this room to utilize, especially for the next seven weeks, because we have a very consequential midterm in front of us, seven weeks from now. Two years ago I believe that the prayers that God's people made to ask God for his provision were heard. They were heard and granted and for two years we have lived in an unparalleled golden time in the United States.

You never know that if you turned on MSNBC or CNN, but we're living in an unparalleled golden time. Why do I say that?

We have the president who's made the most pro-life actions of any president ever. [applause] [applause] We have a president who has been the most pro-Israel president ever in the history of the United States of America. [applause] our president has put the united states on a pathway of blessing, a singular pathway of blessing. We have the most pro-religious liberty president in the history of the United States ever. [applause] [applause] he is doing more to advance religious liberty, not just in America, but globally. We have the best Vice-President we could have ever had in Mike Pence. [applause] [applause] We have Sam Brownback for our ambassador for religious liberty. We have a wealth of jewels in just the people that our president's putting into positions of leadership, like John Bolton who is the head of national security, who also recognizes the primacy of defending religious liberty here and abroad. [BIG applause] Do you see what a golden day that we have been given? Let alone the economics, where, yesterday we had just another powerful breakthrough or the day before of the stock market, the economy.

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